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It’s all my doing

Murdoch’s right: I control and own everything in the media

Published: Friday, Nov. 23, 2012 9:05 a.m. CST

News Corp.’s Rupert Murdoch has given proof that big turkeys aren’t only found on Thanksgiving tables. But he raised an issue that compels me to make a major revelation.

Murdoch swiped at those supposed media “Jews” not providing the kind of coverage he would have his holdings give on events in Israel. He Tweeted: “Why is the Jewish press so consistently anti-Israel in every crisis?”

Murdoch’s Tweet can’t be compared with the anti-Semitic ravings of actor Mel Gibson, who despite his walk-backs probably won’t be invited to many bar mitzvahs. Or the impulsive comment about Jews in the media by former CNN anchor Rick Sanchez, who left the network and made it clear he regretted his phraseology.

After the inevitable firestorm Murdoch’s comments provoked, Murdoch walked his comment back, too: “’Jewish owned press’ have been sternly criticised, suggesting link to Jewish reporters. Don’t see this, but apologise unreservedly.”

But now it’s time for me to admit it. Rupert: I CONTROL and own it all.

When MSNBC competes with you, I’m the one doing it. When CNN competes with you, I’m the one doing it.

Morning Joe? Who do you think writes their scripts? Twitter? Forget about who you’ve read who created it. They’re front men for ME. I also own and run Hollywood, Dollywood and Bollywood. Facebook? I’m the one who really controls it, and I’m about to start a special version for politicians: Twofacebook.

I control media personalities. I told MSNBC’s Rachael Maddow that the network’s viewers are dense, so she must repeat every concept two or three times, two or three times repeat it, say it two or three times.

Ed Schultz? He was a 120-pound weakling furtively sneaking Denny’s Saltines into his boxer shorts before I decided to put him on one of the many talk show stations I own and gave him a salary so he could eat well. That device in Rush Limbaugh’s ear? He’s listening to orders and scripting from ME.

I snap my fingers and bigwigs respond. I like Lincoln, so I ordered Bill O’Reilly to write a book on him. I called Steven Spielberg and told him, “Stevie, baby, do a different kind of movie on Lincoln. What? No. Don’t end it with him getting eaten by a shark. Just leave out his death.”

That guy from the BBC running the New York Times? I text him to give the Times daily instructions. I write orders to George Stephanopoulos that are even longer then the spelling of his name. I’m a very humble individual, so I pose as a moderate blogger, write this syndicated column, and pose as a national entertainer who does family shows. I LOOK like I’m five foot one, but I’m really six foot three.

Media coverage of Israel and the Middle East? It’s all a shell game controlled by ME. I own the country of Israel and the new President of Egypt gets emails from me each day from a special email address with my weekly instructions. (I’ll soon visit Egypt to see a cairopractor.)

I lend Sheldon Adelson money (that’s the last time I’ll loan him money to give to Karl Rove).

My new goal is to make sure every non-Jewish child in America watches Adam Sandler movies.

The one thing I don’t own is my 18-year-old female cat. No one owns her.

So, Rupe, from now on why not aim your complaints at ME because when it comes to the media, entertainment, and the survival of Chinese restaurants everywhere, I control it all. With a name like “Gandelman” how could it be otherwise?

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