The lengths we go for soft

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I love soft.

But is softer better than soft?

And how much more better is super softer better than super soft or just plain soft?

Apparently, this is a subject that is very close to the hearts of a lot of people.

Because of the impact on another part of the anatomy of the same individuals.

Call it the “Charmin effect” ...which has attracted the attention of environmentalists.

Especially since toilet tissue manufacturers have seemingly been trying extremely hard to make their product extremely soft for use on the territory it is intended for.

No cracks about that area ... please.

Or else Greenpeace will unleash its wrath on you. And I don’t think the punishment would be anything as simple as teepeeing your house.

Greenpeace recently issued a national alert for American consumers that rates toilet tissue brands based on their environmental soundness. With the recession pushing the price of recycled paper down and Americans showing more willingness to repurpose everything, environmental groups want more people to switch to recycled toilet paper.

Or in other words, wipe their hands of the idea of using more expensive toilet paper rather than a recycled variety.

More expensive has been the latest yuppie trend ... with the national obsession with soft, softer and more softer t.p. ... being responsible for the bumper crop of growth of brands like Cottonelle Ultra, Quilted Northern Ultra and Charmin Ultra. In 2008, the latter brand wiped up ... increasing its sales by 40 percent in some markets, according to Information Resouces, Inc., a marketing research firm.

But fluffiness comes at a price ... and Americans are paying up the you know what. Millions of trees harvested in North America and in Latin American countries, including many trees taken from rare old-growth forests in Canada. Although toilet tissue can be made at nearly the same price from recycled material, it is the fiber taken from the standing trees that help give the t.p. its plush feel.

A spokesman for Georgia Pacific, the manufacturer of Quilted Northern, says there is a need for his firm’s product.

“Customers demand soft and comfortable,” said James Malone. “Recycled fiber cannot do it.”

But Dr. Allen Hershkowitz, a senior scientist and waste expert with the Natural Resource Defense Council, rather than turning the other cheek, disagrees while charging, “No forest of any kind should be used to make toilet paper.”

Hershkowitz is pushing the high-profile groups he consults with, including Major League Baseball, to use only recycled toilet tissue.

In the United States, which is the largest market worldwide for toilet paper, tissue from 100 percent recycled fibers makes up less than two percent of sales for at-home use involving premium and conventional brands. Americans use an average of 23.6 rolls per capita a year.

Now I am not saying we should revert to using the pages from the latest Montgomery Wards catalog or corncobs for erasure of particulate matter while leaving nothing to chance [or in your pants], but why not recycled toilet paper?

Sit on that for a while.

Mike Cunniff is a sports writer at the Morris Daily Herald. He can be reached at (815) 942-3221 x 2026 or by e-mail at mcunniff@morrisdailyherald.com.

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